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Divorce. One Year Later.

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One Year Later - Goodbye wife, hello life
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One Year Later - Goodbye wife, hello life

Divorce.  One Year Later.

In an effort to move out of my grief and into the new me for the new year, I wanted to introduce you to a new series for TCB.  Entitled, A Day in the life of J (**now called Complicated Life), I hope to give you a birds-eye view into my everyday life.  Who was this blonde before all this heartbreak?  I don’t know, but who she is now isn’t the same.  Five years and one failed marriage later, I’m still not always sure who I am.  I had thought one year later from all this shit I would be in a better place, or at least, a different place.  Maybe I am, but it feels like the same damn place sometimes.  Then I realized I’ve been so caught up with everything THEY are doing, that I’m just existing still myself.  Well friends, it’s time for a change.  One year later, I may not be in a different place.  But I’m def not in the same place.  I made it.  One year later, I’m still alive.  Divorce didn’t kill me like I thought it might.  So where am I one year later?  Who knows.  But I think it’s time to find out.

Time to Start Living.

One Year Later - Adventure

Not that I want to be self-centered and selfish but I have to stop being so focused on them I forget who I am.  I have been so fearful of losing my past the last year that I’m losing my present.  Just existing, not living.   What happened happened.  Everything has literally been said or done that could have.  It’s over.  But my life isn’t.  People move on and things change.  It is a season of life.  I can’t control it.  I really don’t want to dwell on it anymore even though I still don’t feel ready to move on.  But it’s time.  It’s past time.  There is nothing else I can do other than just move on.  Stuck is not an option.  And honestly?  My life is pretty great.  I’m incredibly blessed.  I have family nearby.  My friends are amazing and like family to me.  Plus a job that I love (most of the time) that allows me the freedom to work from home and make a decent living.  Bonus, working in events involves a lot of pretty cool stuff.  We are more than just our mistakes, breakups, and failed relationships.  So here’s a sneak peek into my new single life one year later.

Goodbye wife, hello life.

 Things I said goodbye to when I was no longer someone’s wife.
  • Cooking dinner every night.
  • Keeping the house clean all the time.
  • Help around the house with yard work.  *Not entirely true, my mom does help quite a bit.
  • Sleeping next to someone every night.  *Also not entirely true, I do spoon Mya. 😉
  • Feeling guilty about working late.
  • Asking permission to hang out with friends or family.
  • 50% of the mortgage and the bills
  • A guaranteed plus one
  • Guilt/shame about my job
  • Putting someone else’s needs/wants ahead of my own

Things I said HELLO to with the freedom of a broken heart.

  • Doing whatever I want, whenever I want.
  • Leaving dirty dishes for days if I don’t want to wash them.
  • Mowing the lawn, keeping up the house, and feeling AWESOME about the fact that I can do it by myself.
  • The bed to myself.  *See note about Mya. 😉
  • Taking care of myself, learning who I am, what I will/ won’t stand for
  • Running with the dog
  • Long summer days with friends and family
  • Monday night dinners with my sister and nieces.
  • EggshellsEnjoying work travel without guilt
  • Lazy Saturdays doing literally nothing but sitting on the couch
  • Sleeping late if I want
  • Staying out all night… on occasion
  • Dating.  Even though it’s awful sometimes.
  • New experiences with new friends
  • Controlling the TV remote
  • Eating instant mashed potatoes for dinner.  Night after night.
  • Not walking on eggshells
  • Talking on the phone for hours without someone standing over my shoulder.
  • Wine tasting.
  • Weekend getaways.
  • Not sharing my money and always paying for someone else.
  • Painting the house and decorating with whatever colors/decor I want.
  • Not asking for permission.

This one year later anniversary has had a rough effect on me though.  I have been a basket case of anxiety the last week.  I can’t sleep and everything makes me want to cry.  The anniversary of our physical separation makes me physically ill, I’ve been nauseous on and off.  I have a wonderful network of family, friends, and industry colleagues so the transition to single, work from home, life has been easier.  I am able to get out of the house with someone really at any given moment.  Having so many awesome friends that want to hang out with me makes the loneliness easier.  It also reminds me I’m lovable and I may not have actually been entirely to blame for my failed marriage.  Well, that and the year I’ve spent in counseling.

Don’t get me wrong, I made my mistakes too.  I have done nothing but look into everything I did wrong and try to accept that fact that he would never do the same.  Realizing that he will never change and we are not compatible is still a struggle sometimes.  I miss him still and I miss our life together.   The waves of grief, like this week, are way less frequent then months ago.  Sometimes I still feel like a failure.  But it’s over.  Its been a year and I’m still here.  Life goes on after divorce even if we don’t want it to.

So, friends, I invite you to join me the next year as we take a peek into the next chapter.  The new year for me starts now.  One year later and one day at a time.  A day in the life of J starts now.

#oneyearlater

XOXO – J

Friends, divorce is hard.  But you will survive.  If you have experienced divorce or any other loss, how did you survive the first year?

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